Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child
by Bryan Post, PhD, LCSW
There is much literature on how to parent challenging children these days. Unfortunately
much of that literature does not typically address the child with special parenting
needs and a special parenting understanding. A child that has been diagnosed with
reactive attachment disorder, oppositional defiant disorder,or even depression,
requires an understanding not of the behavior itself, but rather of the underlying
dynamics driving the behavior. Take for example the analogy of an iceberg. Typically
when we refer to an iceberg we are referring to what we see above the surface. However,
90% of every iceberg is invisible, lying under the surface. What you consider to
be an iceberg is really only the tip. It's an overwhelming thought when considering
how enormous an iceberg is above the surface. Imagine the other 90% lurking underneath.
Negative behaviors demonstrated by children are much the same. Whereas we may attempt
to remove an iceberg by hacking away from the top down, we will only be spending
endless time and energy focusing on the smallest aspect of the iceberg. When we
encourage parents to only focus on alleviating behavior through simple behavior
modification charts, boot camp tactics, or logical consequences, we are actually
missing the most important part of the behavior. Typically a focus just on the behavior
may eliminate the behavior for a while to only see it return another day with greater
intensity. Specific parenting steps can be taken to effectively help reduce problem
behaviors in a rapid period of time. The steps will not be easy to implement, however
with a firm resolve to stay the course the effectiveness of each approach is guaranteed
to be effective.
The Stress Model
Stress plays a vital role in everything that we do. As an internal experience we
rely on stress daily to stay alive, and engage the outside world. In addition, we
rely on stress to fight illness, digest food, and recover from difficult times.
Just to laugh is to experience a state of stress. In considering parenting techniques
for severe behavior we will be relying on a theory of human behavior called the
Stress Model. The Stress Model is a very simple theory of behavior that says, "All
behavior arises from a state of stress and in between the behavior and the stress
is the presence of one of two primary emotions: Love or Fear. It is through the
expression, processing, and understanding of the emotion that we can calm the stress
and diminish the behavior.
Very important point:There are only two primary emotions --love and fear.
Anger is not a primary emotion. It is a feeling that is secondary to the bodily
experience of fear. A fear experience can occur through any of the sensory pathways.
Through what you see, hear, touch, smell, taste, and even the temperature of your
body. The experience of both stress and fear is cellular. It occurs unconsciously.
You won't always know what causes fear or stress. If you are seeing anger, rage,
jealousy, and more it is arising from fear, rather than the anger. Love is the space
between two people. It is always present and surrounds us each day. The only thing
that keeps us out of love is our fear. Since the presence of love is natural, it
is up to us to put fear aside and step into the presence of love. You may have heard
it said, "Perfect love casts out all fear," or "Love and fear cannot co-exist."We
have calmly come to perceive as love is only fear in disguise. Most often times
we do not see this because we fail to see our own fear the majority of the time.
When talking about the specific severe behaviors, it will be important to remember
the fear and stress they create in the parent first. If you try to overcome fear
by creating more fear, you only make fear greater.
Action exercise:
Try to see fear in actions between you and your child for one full week. You'll
be amazed. Visit www.postfamilysystem.com
and www.parentingtheadoptedchild.com
to learn more!
Copyright© 2006 Dr. Bryan Post. All rights reserved.
About the Author
Internationally acclaimed lecturer and attachment therapist, Dr. Bryan Post is the
founder of the Post Institute for Family-Centered
Therapy. Author of numerous books, articles, video and audio programs, Dr.
Post specializes in the treatment of attachment disorders in children and adults.
He has expertise in working with such challenging children throughout the U.S.,
Canada, and Australia.
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