Is it a Child? Is it an Adult? No it's an Adolescent
by Dr Peter Jackson
I have been working with Teenagers for over 35 years. I learned my trade initially
by study, which gave me an outline and which then was filled in and enhanced by
the years of working directly working with them. I still find adolescents the most
invigorating, challenging and often perplexing anthropogenic species that I have
encountered.
The following is about one area which perplexed me for some time.
I have seen families where everything seems to be fine. There is plenty of love
and time for the children, there are rules and boundaries, the family do exciting
things together but they still manage to encourage the children to have individual
interests and plenty of their own time with friends. They even have regular meals
sat around the table together.
As the children get older they face the normal range of difficulties often experienced
in families with teenagers, such as them becoming less cooperative, moody, room
is a mess, coming in late etc... The issues are coped with, family life is still
reasonable and life continues in a positive if tiring vein. The teenager is doing
more things with his or her friends and parents are becoming taxi drivers and have
to keep retuning the car radio to the stations that they prefer. Parents deal with
the wishes to change of hair style or colour, tattoos, body piercing and changes
in clothing style, staying out later etc... The good resolution of conflict and
disagreement is common. Life may not be as harmonious as it was but it is still
reasonable, with the parents understanding that this is all part of the 'growing
up' process.
Then, often quite suddenly, war breaks out. The reasonable teenager becomes totally
uncooperative, discussions take place at shouting level, direction and even offering
advice becomes a no go area. They stop telling where they are going, they come in
late, they refuse to eat with the family, they seemingly challenge everything that
the parents say, they cease to understand the word 'no'. Parents feel that they
are loosing control and that their nice child has become a monster. However at the
same time, they are amazed and confused when parents of their teenage friends praise
them for their polite and likeable teenager and wish that their own child was like
theirs. Moreover the school is not reporting any problems.
What is going on? Are the parents of their teenage friends just being pleasant to
hide their horror of your own child? Does this monster of a teenager hate its parents
so much that they are trying to cause as much pain as possible? Are they going mad?
Are they on drugs? Do the parents have such poor parenting skills that they are
causing the problems?
To understand what is may be contributing to situations like this we need to look
at the different but natural and necessary processes going on in the backgrounds
of both the parents and the adolescent. Good parenting enables the child to grow
from a helpless baby to an independent adult who is able to take charge of his or
her own destiny. The parents will have to the best of their ability and resources,
loved, fed and nurtured, clothed and educated. They will also have endeavoured to
protect their child from harm, and often there will be a very strong desire for
their child to do well at everything. For most parents this is a natural process,
which comes from their inherent genetic makeup which has been informed from their
own upbringing and life experiences.
During adolescence the teenager will be experiencing many changes both physical
and emotional. At times they will be growing faster than at any time in their lives;
puberty will be arriving, causing a range of major physical and emotional changes.
Most will be facing pressures to achieve at school and they are being pushed to
make decisions that will affect their future. They will be facing pressure from
peers to dress or behave in a particular way. The adult commercial world will be
exerting its pressures to convince them that their cloths and products are 'cool'
so every discerning teenager needs them and in fact there is something wrong with
them if they don't follow the fashions.
All of this is pointing the teenager towards adulthood; adolescence is the stage
between being a child and becoming an adult. We know that in the UK adulthood starts
at 18, but when does it really start? When are teenagers able to make informed and
responsible decisions about what they do and how to conduct themselves? Understanding
this may help parents to develop strategies to reduce the sort of conflict described
earlier.
Unfortunately there is no one defining point when childhood ends and adulthood begins.
For instance look at a 16 year old; because of the parents' instinct to protect
their offspring they will probably see them as a child. My own son is 35 and a very
successful businessman, I still worry about some of the decisions that he makes.
The 16 year old will see himself as an adult not needing anybody to monitor what
he is doing, at that age my son felt himself able to make life decisions much more
appropriately than his parents who were from a bygone age.
The truth is a 16 year old is neither child nor adult, more childlike in some areas
more adult in others. So life is confusing and often made worst by conflicting responses
from parents and other adults such as teachers. 'Stop acting like a child', 'no
you can't stay out after ten. 'Why don't you grow up', 'no you can't wear those
cloths'. 'Why don't you take more responsibility for yourself', 'no you can't spend
your own money on a motorbike'.
The adolescent's time clock is telling them that adulthood is near which produces
yet another confusion. Their emotions are saying yes, I want to be part of this
adult world but it feels much safer to stay where I am. When you add the pressures
of adolescences to its physical and emotional turmoils you begin to see why some
teenagers start to attack, rebel or retreat.
So parents, if you want to avoid total war with your teenage offspring remember
that your ultimate task is guide them into adulthood by gradually reducing control
and allowing them to learn from the mistakes that they will make, be there to help
them pick up the pieces and move forward again. Support and encourage, try not to
inhibit. Allow them to flounder and then help them back onto their feet. Override
your need to protect them from all harm and allow them to grow through experience.
They will still need clear boundaries, but have the courage to negotiate new ones
with them. If they abuse these, have the courage to implement the penalties for
such misdemeanours. You have the right to say NO but please give reasons for refusing
the request. Remember that following rules is an essential skill that they will
need throughout their lives.
Protecting your children is one of the most powerful emotions that parents experience,
at times it is so powerful that unconsciously some parents try to slow the progress
of their teenagers into adulthood as a way of delaying the 'having to let go'. If
teenagers are enabled to reach adulthood by enjoying their adolescence they will
grow into more confident adults and probably end up having better relationships
with their parents.
If you need additional information or help concerning any issues connected with
parenting teenagers go to http://www.peter-jackson.me.uk/
About the Author
I initially qualified as a Youth and Social worker and have a lifetime of working
and living with teenagers. I then ran two large youth centres continuing to study
the psychology of adolescents. I became the Director of a unit that worked with
adolescents whose behaviour was so difficult that they were about to be removed
from home . I then managed a project that worked with families in crises, young
people within the Juvenile Justice system
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