The Process of Divorcing your Divorce

7 Steps to Divorcing Your Divorce

by Margot Thompson

When I realized my marriage was floundering, I was 5 months pregnant. I didn't want to believe it, so obviously, I did everything I could to ignore all the signs. First I pretended it wasn't happening. When that didn't work for me anymore I firmly convinced myself that he was just having parenting jitters. When he didn't want to read to "the bump" or feel the kicks, I told myself it was totally normal that he wasn't as connected to the baby - after all, I was the only one who could feel the life growing inside me. You can always find an excuse if you look hard enough.

When my marriage ended well within the first year of my son's life, I felt numb. Really numb. That final door slam haunted every waking moment for months. I made every single excuse I could think of for him. To myself, to him, to my family, to his family - to all our friends. But, in the end an excuse is still an excuse and ultimately I had to face the fact that he'd left us. The numbness changed to shock, the shock to confusion, confusion to sadness, the sadness to deep grief, and for a dark period I was blazingly angry. I had no money. I had no job. I had no husband. I was totally and completely responsible for another being's life and I didn't know how I was ever going to manage it alone.

Out of sheer necessity I went back to the corporate job I had quit a few months earlier so I could stay home and raise my child. Thus began an endless cycle starting with a commuting day that lasted 12 hours and ending with me crawling into bed and sobbing soundlessly while cradling my son in my arms. Between the commute, the financial strain, the hours and the emotional stress, I could feel myself getting sucked down into a hopeless and sinister place. I felt trapped in a never-ending circle of responsibility with no chance of escape. I could barely function. I could feel myself shutting down. The only light in the darkness of my life was my baby and I focused on that light with vivid clarity.

It took a tragic experience during one of my ex's visits to bring me back to life. In a situation when I wasn't present, my son came within a hair's-breadth of death. And all of my feelings - frozen until this moment - came flooding back to me. I almost destroyed myself with guilt for not being right there with my son at the time. I just knew it wouldn't have happened if I'd been there. Even though he survived, I blamed myself for not being with him at that exact moment. I was a bad mother. I wasn't there when the most important person in my life needed me. He was everything and I almost lost him. What would I be without him? Nothing. Nothing at all.

And that's when a tiny voice in the back of my mind spoke up and told me it had to stop. All of it. I had to find myself again.

And in that moment, the fog lifted. The sun came out. I knew I could find my way to a better emotional place and a new, self-directed life. I was raising my son alone, and I was going to do the best possible job of showing him how to be a whole and healthy person. I was going to be a 'soul parent'. And that started with rebuilding my attitude.

I created a plan. It was an inspired plan, and I followed the action steps I set for myself to the letter. It worked. We built a very natural, strong and satisfying life for ourselves. Before long, we were attracting all kinds of good things into our life. Today, I feel truly blessed in the life I live.

How did I take one of the darkest times in my personal history and turn it into a new and extraordinary life that totally satisfies me and nourishes my son?

Here's my action step plan:

1. 1. Be totally straight with yourself. Take a good look at your finances and resources. Explore your best possible work and housing options and put yourself on a realistic budget right away. Understand that you cannot be all things to all people and still raise children, work mega-hours, pay all the bills, keep the house clean, be everyone's best friend. Set realistic standards and boundaries for yourself. And live within them.
2. 2. Feel your emotions. There is no such thing as a "bad" feeling. What you feel is what you feel. Allow yourself to go through all the stages: denial, shock, confusion, sadness, fear, anger, grief, hope and acceptance. Feeling them is the only way to get through them. Greet them, experience them and when you're ready, make peace with each one of them. If you don't acknowledge your feelings, they'll always be there waiting to jump out at you in a weak moment.
   
   
3. 3. Accept what is. OK - he's gone. You're on your own with your children. They will have one relationship with you and another, separate relationship with him. What you can do about that is to build the best co-parenting relationship possible. The marriage is over. Respect that truth and make it work for you. Don't invest any more of your emotions into a dead relationship. Invest your emotional energy into yourself, your children and building your best life together. Take away any good that you can from the ended relationship and discard the rest. Let it go.
4. 4. Build a strong support network. Take a look at the people around you. This is the time to make an investment in your friendships. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on sometimes, a quick hug or a hand to hold in the darkest moments. Talk to your close friends. Join a divorce support group. See a therapist if you need to work through your past. Get a coach when you're ready to move into your future. Provide the highest quality of support for yourself (and you DO provide it for yourself). Sometimes old friends don't come through as expected for you. If you don't have a support network now, build one. You can meet warm, caring people who will provide understanding and peace of mind. You can find them in a variety of places: your kids' schools, work, divorce recovery groups, churches, in the neighbourhood, at the library and in online support forums to name a few. Building a support system of trusted friends is key to your healing.
5. 5. Practice "Extreme Self-Care". Believe in yourself and the value you bring to this world. You are a vibrant and precious being that is adored by the universe. As you are now, today; warts, fear, anger and all, you are perfect. Treat yourself as such. The world accepts us at the value WE place on OURSELVES. And then our lives become a reflection of our beliefs. So understand that it's important to believe in yourself. Invest in your self-care. Value yourself. It will be the best investment you've ever made.
6. 6. Take all the help you can get. It's not easy being a single parent. Do what you have to do to make your life easier and more satisfying. Arrange a babysitting exchange with a friend. Let your parents help. Assistance comes in many forms and you'll want to take advantage of any reasonable offering. Have the kids manage age-appropriate chores around the house. Arrange for quality childcare without allowing guilt to consume you - most children thrive in daycare. Take friends and family up on offers to babysit. Have a cup of tea while you let the kids play at the local Y. It's not selfish to take help - it's smart. Anything that makes your day easier and brighter is better for you and better for your family.
7. 7. Plan a future filled with passion, joy and true satisfaction. You are stronger and more resourceful now than you ever could have imagined you would be. When you grow through your divorce rather than merely surviving it, you've opened up paths and possibilities that empower you. Your divorce is no longer an ending, but a new beginning. In a sense, you've taken a journey of self-discovery and become a new person. This is your time to plan your new life. When you're ready to move forward, into a vibrant, joyful life of fulfillment, a coach can help you to discover your natural strengths and inner gifts so that you can effectively map out a plan of action that bridges the gap between your divorce and your new ideal life.

The most amazing part of going through the darkness of divorce is the sense of joy and liberation when you move past it and into the life you were born for. It's a new beginning. A new path in your life. Knowing you have the power to divorce your divorce is completely freeing. The albatross of your old life is gone, and the healing process teaches you that there is frequently a better life ahead than the one you've left behind. When you feel this new, confident sense of yourself, you begin to naturally attract good things and people into your life. You'll be building a richer, more soul-satisfying life that will fill you with joy and inspire you to become the person you were always destined to be.
Celebrate your divorce from your divorce.

About The Author

Margot Thompson is a divorce recovery coach, a mother and a passionate promoter of possibilities. She works with women who are divorcing or divorced, have accepted "what is" and are ready to use this transition as an opportunity to begin building a vibrant and extraordinary life. Want to talk to Margot about the possibilities within your life? Call 519-826-9684 or go to http://www.divorceyourdivorce.com Your ideal life is waiting.