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Children can be very persuasive when they look up at us with their great big
eyes and ask us for something. They can also grate on our last nerve when they
are stubborn and demanding. All of this being a way for our children to plod
through the stages of their own development, trying on new roles to figure out
what works best for them in their own world.
As parents it can be very difficult to set limits because it's either harder
than giving in to those proverbial baby blues, or more often than not, it's
easier than bracing ourselves for the disobliging attitude that is sure to
follow even the most delicately worded "no". The reasons given, no matter how
valid they are seem to be lost in our children's ears when the only thing they
are understanding is "no". The key to turning the ensuing power struggle into a
mutual agreement is simple acknowledgement.
If we acknowledge our children's feelings or desires it allows them to be more
receptive to the idea we are about to present to them. It allows them to not
feel defensive. It leaves them open to understanding the reasoning behind why
we are saying no because they are left with a feeling of camaraderie knowing
you understand, and acknowledge their feelings.
Simply rewording how we respond to our kids when we have to say no can offer
everyone a reprieve from the ill feelings that often accompany such situations.
For instance, when a child asks if he can ride his bike right now, but you are
cooking dinner, try not to say, "No, not right now." Instead, try these simple
steps to see how well rewording things can work.
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Acknowledge the desire
"I know you would really like to ride your bike right now."This alleviates the
defensive feeling.
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Offer an alternative
"I can watch you ride your bike after we finish eating." This gives him an
expectation of when he CAN have his desire met.
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State the reason behind why you said "no"
"I'm not able to watch you right now because I need to finish dinner." This
gives him a reason why he can't do it right now and he is receptive to that
reasoning because you have acknowledged his desire and offered him an
alternative time frame.
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