Help Or The Hard Way: Dos and Don'ts When Teaching Children ResponsibilityBy
Karin Suesser
If you are a parent of a school-age child, chances are that you help your child
get ready for school each day, help them get to school on time, and maybe even help
them pick out their clothes, keep their schoolwork organized, practice their spelling
words or musical instrument, and help them learn a hundred other skills they need
in daily life.
You want your children to be successful, and your hope is that by helping them now,
they will learn to do these things for themselves in the future and become independent,
responsible people. But do you ever get the nagging feeling that maybe you are helping
them too much? That they should be doing more things by themselves? Is it
even possible for parents to help children too much? Should you let them learn things
the hard way sometimes?
Helping too much often occurs because it is easier for parents (e.g., cleaning up
after the kids), or because parents feel that it will reflect poorly on them when
children don’t do what they are supposed to do (e.g., being late for school, handing
in homework with mistakes), or sometimes simply to keep the peace (e.g., agreeing
to finish a job for them that they didn’t complete). Parents are helping too much
when they do it for their own convenience, or when they start to cover up for a
child’s mistake. If the goal is to teach responsibility, children need to experience
the consequences of their actions (both positive consequences, such as rewards for
appropriate behavior, and negative consequences).
If parents overdo the helping, it can have negative effects on children. Children
don't develop the confidence that they can meet challenges on their own, and may
come to over-rely on their parents which interferes with responsible decision making,
and causes frustration. Providing too much help also doesn't give children the opportunity
to learn from their mistakes. Children really do learn best from consequences,
not from parental lectures. Parents should be happy when children make
mistakes because it can be a powerful teaching moment, if used wisely by parents
(i.e., instead of focusing on the mistake, discuss what the child learned from it
and can do differently next time).
Is it possible to allow children to suffer from too much or too harsh consequences?
Yes, sometimes consequences can be too harsh! The punishment has to fit the crime,
otherwise the consequences will be perceived as unfair, and the child will feel
ANGRY at the parent, and will not really learn to take responsibility for their
behavior. Instead, they will see the parent as mean and unjust, and in the long
run, this will hurt the relationship between the child and the parent. Consequences
will also be perceived as too harsh when they are delivered with lots of anger or
long lectures from parents, and don't allow the child to make up for their mistake.
Natural consequences for a child's actions are best, and they usually make more
sense to the child. For example, when a child doesn't clean up their toys, a natural
consequence would be for the toys to go on the top shelf of the closet for 1 or
2 days, and then giving the child an opportunity to earn them back, for example,
by doing some extra cleaning. However, GROUNDING the child for 1 or 2 days instead
will seem overly harsh because the punishment is bigger than the misbehavior.
If a child doesn't get ready for school on time, a natural consequence is to let
them be late and have them explain this to the teacher themselves. In that case,
yelling, nagging, lecturing, or grounding the child will NOT work, and will be perceived
by the child as too harsh. Consequences will also seem more fair and appropriate
when they are consistent, and have been made clear IN ADVANCE so that the child
knows what to expect. That's the foundation of making good choices.
How can parents find the proper balance between helping and the hard way?
Parents usually achieve the best balance when they stay calm and think through the
situation before reacting. Ask yourself what you want your child to learn from the
situation, and what is the best way for them to learn it? Your goal as a parent
is to teach responsibility to your children by letting them experience the natural
consequences of their behavior. But you ALSO want to teach kids that you are there
for them, that they can count on you, and that you will be fair and supportive when
they make mistakes. Keeping these two goals in mind can help parents find a better
balance between helping too much and being too harsh.
For example, if a teenager gets a speeding ticket, a natural consequence would be
to have the teen pay for the ticket him/herself. If the teen doesn't have enough
money to pay, parents can be supportive by lending the money and then allowing the
teen to make small payments to the parents over a specific period of time, WITH
INTEREST. If the teen stops making payments, parents can "re-possess" things such
as the teen's computer, TV, stereo, CDs, etc. to make up for the missed payments.
Note that this is not the same as "grounding" the teen from these things, since
the teen will not be able to get them back if they are used as payments. This is
what happens to adults in the real world when they default on payments, and is a
powerful way to teach responsibility without being overly harsh.
Balance can also be achieved by not focusing only on punishment, but on opportunities
for the child to MAKE UP for their mistakes, e.g., by apologizing, doing extra chores,
paying a fine, writing a note, etc. This helps children feel remorse,
and gives them a chance to do something about that. Protecting children from those
opportunities to make up for mistakes is being too helpful, while only focusing
on punishment is too harsh. Again, ask yourself what you want your child to learn
from this, and how they can best learn that lesson.
What can parents do when they have gone too far in either direction?
Parents who go too far in either direction often do so because they REACT to situations
without really thinking them through. It's very important to have a plan IN ADVANCE
so you know what you will do and don't have to think about it on the spot, when
you are upset or angry and can't think as well as when you are calm.If
a situation occurs that is so different from the usual that your plan doesn't apply,
it's perfectly okay to say "This is a serious situation. I don't know what kind
of consequence would be appropriate here. I have to think about it for a while.
I'll let you know when I come up with an idea." This buys you time and lets you
calm down so you can make a better decision.
Another step is to think about NATURAL consequences for actions. Most parents already
use natural consequences in daily life. E.g., if your child doesn't eat dinner,
they don't get to have dessert. When your child doesn't finish their homework, they
don't get to play or watch TV. Think about what some of the most common problems
are with your children, and then MAKE A PLAN for how you can use natural consequences
in those situations, and still be supportive of your child.
E.g., if your child has a project to do for school, help your child make a plan
for how they can complete each step of the project. Ask them WHAT they will do and
WHEN, and HOW you will know that the steps are completed. Also ask them what they
think should happen if they don't stick to the plan and don't get it done. That
way, you can be helpful without taking over the project yourself, and you avoid
being overly harsh in case the project doesn't get done because you and your child
already decided on a consequence together.
Involving your child in coming up with an appropriate consequence also is a great
way of approaching problems. For example, when your child is lying to you, you can
say, "Lying is wrong. It destroys trust between people. What do you think your consequence
should be for that?" Often, children are actually harder on themselves than parents
would be. This also helps the child think through the situation, and take responsibility
for their behavior, and it allows them to make up for their mistake.
Some Final Thoughts
Start this process early! Children can experience and learn from
natural consequences for behavior at a very young age already! Don't be too protective
of young children. Also, don't be too harsh on teenagers. Balance is important at
any age. When wondering about a good balance between help or the hard way, ask yourself
how YOU would want to be treated when you make a mistake, and then apply that to
your child. E.g., how would you want your spouse or boss to react? You probably
want them to be calm and understanding, yet fair. You want to be given the opportunity
to make up for your mistake without feeling like a horrible person. You don't want
your mistake to be brought up over and over. And you want others to show you respect
by letting you handle the natural consequences of your behavior without being overprotective
and treating you with pity.
Be a role model. When you make a mistake, admit it, even to your
children. Your children will learn a lot watching you take responsibility for your
actions and make a genuine effort to correct your mistake.
Keep in mind that your relationship with your child is most important!
When in doubt about whether to help or let them learn the hard way, choose the action
that will keep your relationship positive and close while still teaching an important
lesson. Excessive yelling, nagging, lecturing, or punishing can seriously hurt your
relationship in the long run which will reduce your child's motivation to do the
right thing.
Dr. Karin Suesser, PhD, is a licensed psychologist in private practice in
Fond du Lac, Wisconsin (http://www.dollandassociates.com).
She provides therapy and assessment for children (ages 1-18) and their families,
as well as for adults and couples. She specializes in helping individuals find effective
solutions to emotional, behavioral, or life transition concerns. Her areas of expertise
include anxiety issues, ADHD, aggressive and disruptive behaviors, depression, trauma
and abuse issues, academic/career concerns, parenting issues, relationship and sexual
issues. She also provides professional coaching to individuals to help them achieve
their goals, enhance their performance, and live a more deeply meaningful life.
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