Three Teen Tools to Create Cooperation and Build Respect
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
Raising a teen doesn't have to be a frustrating experience. Most parents just
don't have the right tools for the job. Here are three Teen Tools parents can use
to increase cooperation and develop mutual respect:
Teen Tool #1: "Job Description" is a parenting tool that ensures that children
understand what is expected of them when performing a chore or job at home. Just
as in the office, parents can write out a "job description" that details what is
expected of them. This reduces power struggles and conflicts during and after the
job is done. Parents must be sure not to be condescending to children, especially
older children, when writing it out. And more detail or steps may be necessary for
younger children than older children. A thorough job description states who is to
do the job, when it is to be done, how it is to be done, and where it should be
done, if applicable.
Teen Tool #2: A "Parent/child contract" is an agreement between a parent and
a child (note the singular tense) that sets up an exchange of desired behaviors
for desired rewards. The agreement should include not only what the child will do,
but what he or she can expect to receive in return. Make the behavioral exchanges
simple and easy to achieve. Write up a summary of who does what, when, where, and
how and place it where the child can see it. Sign it to make it official and then
modify it on a weekly basis to fine tune the agreement. Was it too difficult? Do
you need to change when or where it occurs? Do you need to teach the child how to
accomplish the expected task? In the event that you have more than one child, write
up a separate contract for each child as each child's abilities and personality
are unique. The democratic style of parenting views each member of the family as
"equal" in terms of their right for respect and dignity but not in terms of their
responsibilities and functions. Use the Baseline parenting tool listed above before
starting and the Problem Solving parenting tool listed below to steer clear of any
negotiation difficulties.
Teen Tool #3: "Negotiation" is a powerful parenting tool for older children.
Although some parents will need to use this tool earlier than others, depending
on the personality of their child, all parents will find this tool valuable in their
interactions with their children. Negotiation is a tool that allows for a win/win
situation to occur between two parties who do not already mutually agree. It incorporates
several steps:
- Know What Is Negotiable and Not Negotiable. Knowing what is negotiable and
what is not negotiable is helpful when working out a compromise. This firmly establishes
a parents bottom line or limit on a subject. Parents must make sure to be realistic
as well as firm.
- Open-Mindedness. Be willing to listen and consider the other persons viewpoint.
If the child feels the parent has already made of his or her mind then the negotiation
will just be a charade and the child will be rightfully angry and resentful.
- Set A Time Limit. Keeping it short will prevent the discussion from wandering
down a "rabbit trail" or going in circles. Keep things on the topic at hand and
to the point.
- Keep It Private. Don't embarrass the older child be negotiating in a public
place. They will be more likely to react to what they think others are thinking
about them. Also, keeping it one-on-one will prevent power plays from developing
by having other people joining in the negotiations either for or against the parent.
- Stay Calm and Cool. Don't try and negotiate when angry, tired, or preoccupied
with other things. It is difficult to stay rational when other thoughts and feelings
are crowding for attention. If the situation gets heated take a "time-out" to cool
down and then resume talks. Set this up as a ground rule before hand if a heated
discussion is likely.
- Acknowledge The Others Points. Even if they are totally off base, acknowledge
the other persons points. They are obviously important to that person even if they
are irrational. This will also encourage positive relations and cooperation when
the final solution is reached rather than back stabbing and sabotage.
- Restate the Final Solution. Reiterating the solution to the negotiation will make
sure that everyone involved is clear on what was agreed upon. It will eliminate
the possibility of not following the solution due to mis-communication.
Ron Huxley is the founder of the ParentingToolbox.com, AngerToolbox.com and author
of the book "Love and Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting." Get a special report
on Teen Suicide and more parenting tools at http://parentingtoolbox.com
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