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When my daughter was born, I must admit there was a distinctly different feeling
to it when compared to the birth of my son. Part of me was thrilled, but part of
me was unsure of how to deal with a gender that I still couldn’t quite understand.
When my son was born there was a clear sense that this was territory that I knew:
there will be wrestling, playing ball together, playing with cars and, he has a
penis! There was a sense of security from all of this and a deep sense of knowing.
Raising a daughter creates different issues for many fathers; it is even more challenging
considering the cultural landscape that exists today.
To better understand these issues, it is helpful to explore the expectations of
girls that we have as fathers, many of which may be expectations handed down from
our own fathers.
Some men feel a strong need to control their daughters, and expect them to act “nice”
at all times.
Others shower their daughters with all of the gifts and "things" that they’ll ever
need, seeing them as weaker than boys (therefore not encouraging strength and discipline
in them).
It’s easy for fathers to treat their sons and daughters differently. They can be
rough-and-tumble with their sons…but treat their daughters with kid gloves. This
opportunity to wrestle or to play physically with your daughters is extremely important,
because it shows them that you believe they are capable enough to handle it. (If
your daughter is eighteen, it’s probably not a good idea to start now.)
The cultural messages we get are that girls and young women are valued for being
beautiful, thin, talented, etc. Girls should also be happy, agreeable and eager
to please. This cultural backdrop may be partly responsible for the alarming statistics
concerning rates of depression, anorexia, bulimia, and other disorders for girls
when they are approaching or have entered their teen years.
So how can fathers overcome some of these barriers and help create daughters who
become strong, secure women?
If fathers want their daughters to grow up to be strong and secure women, it is
absolutely essential that they like women and that they respect them.
No matter how negative and pervasive the cultural messages are, your daughter’s
self-esteem is greatly impacted by your attitude. If fathers think that women are
weaker and need protection, they will tend to raise daughters who are weak and dependent.
To a significant degree, your daughter’s success in life and in love is in your
hands.
As fathers go through the process of raising daughters, they may have to question
everything they thought they knew about the sexes and the difference between men
and women. How is it that you learn about these things?
You learn by allowing your daughters to teach you about them every day. You learn
by not attempting to control or protect your daughters. You learn by opening up
your hearts, and not having the answers all of the time for your daughters (or your
sons).
If you can allow your daughters to enjoy being female as much as you enjoy being
male, you’ve taken a big first step. If you can also allow your daughter to make
most of her own decisions, you will probably enjoy a great relationship with her.
You will also know a lot more about women than you did before.
Here are some action points for fathers with their daughters:
- • Fully explore your expectations for your daughter. See where you may be too controlling
in her life, or are overly protecting her.
- • Create special times with your daughter each week, one-on-one, when you can ask
her questions about her life and become more fully aware of who she is. Make this
time sacred and let her know it’s important to you.
- • Expect your daughter to be strong and competent; she’ll know that you do and will
respond accordingly.
- • If your daughter is a teen-ager or close to it, explore your attitude about your
daughter’s sexuality; many fathers are uncomfortable with this and leave their daughters
emotionally when they need them the most.
- • Be a great model for how men treat women in your relationship with your wife.
- • Talk to other fathers who have had daughters, and find out how they have dealt
with the challenges of raising a daughter.
Your daughter is depending on your healthy attitude to help her to navigate a culture
that is not always positive for girls.
Take a step back and examine your view towards women and girls. Are there changes
you want to make?
Your daughter will help you to make those changes if you’ll just listen.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is the author of 25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent
Fathers (http://www.markbrandenburg.com/e_book.htm#secrets.
For more great tips and action steps for fathers, sign up for his FREE bi-weekly
newsletter, Dads, Don’t Fix Your Kids, at http://www.markbrandenburg.com
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