Overcoming Fear Of The Dark by Frank McGinty
"I'm at my wits' end. I just don't know what to do with her."
This comment came, not from a parent whose teenage daughter was causing havoc, but
from one whose teenager was still experiencing fear of the dark. And the problem
was getting worse rather than better.
The fear was also affecting the girl's school life. She lacked confidence in herself,
was exceptionally timid, and was easily threatened by new experiences. A parenting
nightmare!
Yet our kids have very few fears when they are born. Fear of falling and fear of
loud noises are the main ones, and the rest are learned as they grow older.
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A conversation with the mother soon revealed that the girl had "always had a fear
of the dark", but the mother was less forthcoming when asked how she and her husband
had addressed the situation. Apparently, it had been a case of ignore it and it
will go away; she'll soon grow out of it. After all, they didn't want their daughter
to become a 'softie', someone who needed attention and help at every turn.
Yet that's exactly the type of child they raised.
If a fear is neglected like this, the chances are it will grow and may even require
specialist help . The girl in question received such help. But what can be done
to ensure fears don't reach that stage, thereby avoiding a life of misery?
Selma Fraiberg in her classic book, The Magic Years, said: "The future mental
health of the child does not depend on the presence or absence of ogres in his fantasy
life. It depends on the child's solution to the ogre problem."
And the child's solution will depend very much on the parent's solution!
Anger, impatience, anxiety, concern - all these reinforce fear
Repressing a fear will bury it and allow it to grow. Fears love the dark.
Comfort, reassurance, calmness, humour, friendliness, affection - all these help
dispel fears.
But what exactly is the child afraid of? And why do fears usually develop around
the ages of 2 -3?
At that stage children become aware that the world is not the safe haven they thought
it was. As they explore this vast new adventure, with all its exciting possibilities,
they soon learn that the universe does not revolve around them.. Everyone and everything
does not defer to them. This can be both hurtful and frightening.
Fears then start to build in the child's mind. They learn about death and injury
and suffering. And the imagination translates these fears into ogres and monsters.
Some children are more sensitive than others, and their imaginations really run
wild.
Unwittingly, some parents reinforce these fears by drawing on folk tales or religious
imagery as a means of gaining control.
"Behave or the bogeyman will get you."
"The devil will come for you if you are bad."
These attempts almost always backfire and scare the child rigid!
It's one thing to teach a child about evil in the world and the need to avoid it,
but it's another to cause the kid to worry about devil-like creatures lurking in
every shadow, waiting to pounce and carry them off to hell!
What practical steps can be taken to zap fear of the dark once and for all?
Firstly, always take a child's fears seriously. Never ignore a plea for help
Some parents fear that if they indulge their child's plea then the child will become
a weakling.
As seen in the example above, nothing could be further from the truth. If fears
are repressed they can go on causing havoc for a lifetime - quite literally.
Reassurance is the order of the day. How?
Remove whatever is prompting the fear. This could be the absence of light in the
bedroom. It could be spooky noises coming from an old water or heating system, it
could be curtains fluttering in the dark.
Make the child feel comfortable. Then face up to the fear with him. Show him that
there's nothing under the bed, or go to the window and show him there's nothing
in the backyard.
Let her know that she's normal! Assure her that everyone feels these fears at her
age, and it's just a reaction to some of the things they've heard or seen during
the day. Positively affirm that no harm is coming to her, that she is perfectly
safe..
Then let them practice being on their own. Leave a night light on. Its amazing how
many parents think this will 'spoil' their child.
Well, in my work over the years I've seen the result of this approach - that is,
kids who lack confidence in almost every area of their lives, whose lives are driven
by fear. Tough kids? You must be joking.
No, the fear must be dispelled before it's had time to worm itself deep into the
subconscious and take root. Weed it out before it has time to grow.
Another reservation parents have is that once kids realise they get attention from
being afraid of the dark, they'll play on it. First of all, we must ask ourselves
why would our kids need to seek an inordinate amount of attention? Could it be because
they have not been getting sufficient attention, for whatever reason? Attention-seeking
is always a symptom of a lack. Address the need and the symptom will disappear.
'But won't I just be building up a need in my kid for attention at night, and making
them dependent on my presence, or a nightlight, or keeping the door open, or having
to check on them every five minutes to reassure them?'
This is where trust comes in. You must trust that by constantly reassuring your
kids and making them feel relaxed and secure, the demons or ogres will be banished.
And they will. Once that happens then all the above needs will quietly fall away.
It may take more time with some kids than with others - but the fears will slip
away, and that is vital for a happy, contented, self-assured childhood, and by extension,
adulthood.
Happy parenting!
About the Author
Want to help your family? Frank McGinty is an internationally published author and
teacher. To further develop your parenting confidence and encourage your kids to
be all they can be, go to:
http://www.frank-mcginty.com/peace-formula.html
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